1) Your college education has not prepared you ONE BIT for life in the real world.   But don't fret about that, no one else's college education prepared THEM, either.  

2) IF I hire you, I'm going to hire you because of what I feel YOU can do for ME, not the other way around.   On a day to day basis, we act like family because it makes things pleasant for everyone.   Don't mistake that for a welfare program.   I didn't start this company just so I could employ a lot of people.   I did it to MAKE MONEY.   Ninety (90%) percent of small businesses fail within the first two years.   When they fail, all the investment of time, energy and money are lost.   The employees may go on to other jobs, but I'd have been here for a year or more picking up the pieces.   I took a huge risk that you never took, so unless you were here on day one and put a second mortgage on your house, betting that you could make it where other people had failed, don't ever assume that you and I are equals.  

3) I have something in mind for you to do.   I think it's a match of my needs and your capabilities, but that's just the plan - things change.   Regardless of what you were hired to do, I expect you to do any job that I give you to do.   If I tell you to do something illegal, please feel free to decline and if I fire you, you may sue me - that will be my punishment for being stupid.   If I ask you to do something that is legal but violates your conscience, please feel free to let me know just before you clean out your desk and look for another job.   Otherwise, I expect to see your humping ass and flailing elbows getting my task done.  

4) Let us not forget that just like me, you're here for the money, too.   It's reasonable to expect to see my appreciation for a job well done, but always keep in mind that you're REAL thanks is delivered each Friday by the folks from Payroll.  

5) You CAN be fired.   Your Boss is the one that can get you a raise by asking perhaps one or two people, and who can fire you without asking anyone.   The best way for you to have job security is to make him or her look good in my eyes.   Fastest way to get canned is to make their performance suffer.  

6) You don't own your job - I do.   As a free person in the USA, you can quit any time you like.   I can't force you to stay - or even give notice.   Likewise, if I decide to let you go ...   but I've paid you for your time worked, we're even.  

7) There will be days when this appears to be a hostile workplace.   Take it in stride.   LIFE is sometimes hostile to all of us and you won't like all the jobs you have to do.   Lord knows I don't like all the jobs I have to do, either.  

8) No, you may NOT start with your two weeks paid vacation.   The job title 'King' is already taken.  

9) Please don't think that Insurance, Vacations, sick leave etc.   are free.   They have to be paid for and it comes from the same pile of money.   I pay the money for those OUT OF the money that I make, part of which is the money I PAID you to help me make.   If I commit them to you, use them in good health (except sick leave) but don't tell me that employers owe that.  

10) When it's time for you to ask for a raise, be prepared to tell me what I've gotten from you over and above our original agreement (which was I pay, you work).   Show me the VALUE of paying you more and I'll GLADLY pay the extra.   If you can't ... ask yourself why I should do it anyway.  

11) Don't think that I owe you overtime, either.   Yes, the government says that I have to and I do, but remember - you don't work 1.5 times more or produce 1.5 times as much during that extra hour.   That extra comes out of money I'd hope to set aside for something else, like raises or expansion.   Maybe it has to come from my son's college fund, which I set up because I have greater hopes for HIM than what has befallen me.  

12) I'll know all of your problems because you'll be in my office regularly telling me about them.   You'll only know a fraction of mine ...   and be thankful for that - the ones you don't know would curl your hair.  

13) If you're ever in a bad jam, tell me.   I might be able to help.   Having said that, the reason they call them 'personal problems' is because they're YOUR problems, not mine.   Generally, if you can't handle your personal life, I'll be hesitant to let you handle part of my life (and yes, this business IS my life).  

14) Some day, you may start your own business.   Just remember that if you do, you'll have employees that treat YOU the way you'll be treating ME.   THINK about that.   A LOT.  

Got all that ? Ok, you've got the job! You can start by sweeping the floor.  

Oh, wait, I forgot, you have a college degree.  

"Son, this here is called a BROOM.   This end is called the HANDLE and that end is called ........"